I get to be a hypocrite

When everybody and anything annoys me and I can't find peace, my iPod is my savior. I go to a small little world of my own, where every note and every lyric is the theme to circumstance. I have total "Alice in Wonderland" freedom to fantasize and dream whatever my heart desires. After all this pressure and the pity-parties going on in my head, I get this one relief

GLEE 9-20-11 - really?

The new episode of glee was extremely offensive to me. Throughout the show, the main moral is to be yourself and not get judged for things you do and things like that. This new episode aired this Tuesday September 20, 2011 did exactly the opposite. Fox and all people responsible had the entire cast sit there and judge somebody who was not as “amazing” as miss ego over there, Lea Michele. I understand not all people can be as amazing as the rest of the cast but to dash the dreams and confidence of all the people who watch this show, most of whom are looking for confidence and a place to fit in, is remarkable. They've lost me as a viewer for a while.

Looking out from puddle filled eyes with a haze over me I suppose

Poem from cheesy to inspiring

This week for one of my classes we had to write a poem in the manner of Walt Whitman's "There was a Child went forth." We had to use some of the same lines and then follow as he did with stanza's about nature, people, parents, family, society, community, and a profound thought and question that has shaped who we are. For me that's tough because I'm not exactly, not even relatively close to knowing who I am. When beginning this poem, I was worried about it upsetting me because our assignment for parents or family was to write about what ever situation we had and make it work for us. My family situation newly occurring, I began to panic (as usual). However, I knew one part I was sure about writing, the people part, my wolf pack, my NSLC family. I was planning to write about the great people and the time there but instead I felt as though I wrote about the epiphany I kept seeming to have:


The summer 15 years after her first, panic of the unknown, comforted by words from the wolf pack and the bringing together singing and shows and a life unexplored
A new family to believe in you when even the deepest of your soul could not
A stage awaiting her footprints, but would they ever get there? Would the longing create a chain reaction with nothing, not even her able to stop it?
A taught lesson that seemed she could never forget, an unbroken promise, a dream unfulfilled, a room with bare walls, Grand Central empty, but slipping away, with only her desperation to hold on to it, for if lost, life would not go on, buried by worry and fear
Sights fogged and the inner most piece, what made her her, possibly lost, too far away to regain?

I keep battling my own mind

I always thought I wanted to become an actress. However, I over think everything to the point of sickness with worry over things. I'm lately debating whether I should get involved in a theater group that I did 2 years ago. I loved it last time I did it, I started out not knowing many people but as we went through the show, I found amazing and hilarious friends. In the months to follow, everybody hated me after the show and other things had happened. I felt disgusted with how easily things turned. Last year I went back to get involved in the next show. We had to sing a line and I got so embarrassed that I didn't want to go back. This year I returned with my friends and I still had massive anxiety. I got so nervous about going that it ruined many of my days just worrying about what would happen. We went and while I got nervous a lot and was a bit embarrassed with all the activities, it was alright. Now I'm not sure if the worrying is worth the pay-off. I'm caught in a decision on whether or not I should return to do the auditions. I know that once the play gets started it won't be as painful and nerve-racking. However, I have a tough year of school coming up and I don't want to be constantly worrying. Last night I was dancing around in my mom's house and I had a thought: If I don't do it now, I'll be afraid to do anything ever again, my supposed dream might not come true. However, today I'm okay with that thought and that I can always minor in theater or something like that and that there's no sense of worrying about something that I'm not comfortable with and it won't make or break me.

Yet again, I'm stuck with a decision that either way might be extremely upsetting

Fluctuations are killing me

Trying to stay in the light